Monday, February 2, 2009

This Is Your House On Drugs

I have spent the last several days painting our master bedroom and it has reminded me of a simple fact. Something that is so basic, yet we seem to forget on so many occasions. It is logical, yet profound. It very well could be the underpinning of municipal governance. And the fact is this: PEOPLE WHO DO DRUGS SHOULDN'T BE ISSUED BUILDING PERMITS. I don't say this to be funny or facetious. We've talked to our neighbors, they watched the house being built, they knew how it was going down. So let me reiterate: heavy drug use during construction = Crazy Fun House.

Some of the fun things that result are walls that are nowhere near square. Or even straight. Love crown moulding? Too bad, you can't put it up when the ceiling is undulating. I thought Jason was going to lose his mind trying to lay tile in a room that wasn't square -- although it did have a lovely peak in the middle.

The wiring is another story. There are multiple switches that all go to the same plug. There are switches that go to nowhere. Although we did discover that one was actually turning all the smoke alarms on & off. Nothing more convenient than a smoke alarm on a dimmer, in case you want to sleep in. We made sure all the batteries were working after discovering that little tidbit. You know you're in for a treat when the electrician laughs at you.

All of this is a prelude to my favorite design feature of this house. The textured walls. The heavily textured walls. THE EXTREMELY CHUNKY 1/2" THICK TEXTURED WALLS. What was the thought process here?? Let's just see how intensely we can texture before the drywall simply buckles?? The guy at the paint counter at the Despot tried to tell me I was buying way too much paint for one bedroom. I tried to explain to him how our walls are like a black hole for paint. Greedily sucking it up, ne'er to be seen again. He kept arguing with me. Apparently because I have a vagina and therefore can't possibly know how to paint a wall. Seriously?!? The economy's in the crapper and you're trying to talk me into buying less product?? Mix the freakin' paint!!

The paint did turn out lovely, even though it seems half the wall is now held together with spackle. It's awesome when a single swipe of the paint roller knocks off chunks of the wall. Spackle. More spackle. Spackle is always the answer. I've also been known to use toothpaste. And before you think our house is a cute, vintage, 1940s Oak Park bungalow, it's not. If it was, I could excuse the crumbling walls and the dangerous wiring. It's early 1990s. Which does not excuse the forest green carpet/aqua & gold linoleum combo. Nor do the drugs.

Before and after pics coming soon.........


Captain Awesome said...

I didn't know our house was so inspirational. Marvelous.

The Week Weekly said...

Dear sis, you complete me. your house also completes me. it is reminiscent of the apartment were me and your other brother live, thank god we dont own it! i cant wait until you live near here! costa rica here we come. promise to get that fasion show on the road.

lacylegend said...

oh, dear----disappointed that you aren't living
in a vintage home---but can't wait to see the
walls tomorrow.

Mara... said...

Come on...your house is so cute and vintage!!! Put down the homebrew and Get the before and after pics up!